Bob Battles to Victory
And there we have it! The end of another Lower Hundall Beer and Pie festival, with its usual quota of revelations, triumphs and disappointments. Congratulations goes to Bob Edwards who managed to retain his Best Beer title, with a slight modification to last years winning recipe to create “Bobs Banana Smoothie Beer”. Truth be told - the competition was only ever between Bob's and Tetley’s beers, with my own lager suffering from looking too much like cat's piss, and Dr. Dave's beer suffering from looking and tasting too much like cat's piss.
The Pie competition was won by Jo Battle, Bob’s distinctly better and more sober half, with a culinary triumph of Chicken Fajita Pie, a fairly spicy pie with a distinct kick in the aftertaste.
Rumours that Bob celebrated by going home and falling asleep on the settee, and that Jo celebrated by leaving him there are unsubstantiated.
In second place came Trish's and John’s southern vegetarian pie of Spinach and Feta cheese. A well received pie amongst the veggies and the receiver of the first ever perfect 10 score! A few eyebrows were raised amongst the traditionalists that a pie containing no meat and created south of Mansfield could be so highly rated. However, LH1 is now a very cosmopolitan address and to ensure the growth of the festival and the Federal republic of Lower Hundall it's essential that we learn to accept those pesky southerners and their new cantankerous ways and food stuffs (Feta cheese I ask you, what’s wrong with a good old slab of Wensleydale).
And in third place came Kate McNasty, with her chicken something pie, topped with a happy smiling face. No doubt designed to divert attention from the most fiercly competitive edge ever to be exhibited at any LH1 event (although Kate must be commended on how seriously she took her judging duties). I personally don’t think that ensuring the banning of 2 pies within 10 minutes of arriving at the festival for not conforming to regulations is really in keeping with the amateur status of the event.
Sadly this year saw the most serious fracturing of “Pie Protocol”.
Uncle Stu “The cheat” Vitty attempted to enter a professionally made pie. Stu claimed to have made his pie himself, until questioning from Suzie, Danni and the particularly vehement Kate McNasty, started to expose a couple of holes in his story. Not only did the pie look pretty bloody good, but Stu couldn’t accurately say what was actually in the pie, or accurately say what his process had been. Under heavy questioning from other members of the festival, the cheat confessed to the pie being made at the Denby Dale Pie Factory whilst he was visiting on business (although he still insists that he made it himself). All the evidence pointed towards a “pro pie”. As a demonstration of goodwill to an individual who has previously supported LH1 in all its endeavours, the pie was allowed to be entered, but the damage was done and the judges refused to give any decent marks.
The Lower Hundall higher council will be meeting to discuss the “cheat's” punishment. The current favoured punishment would be to force 2 bottles of Dr. Dave's nettle beer intravenously into his system.
On to happier notes, overall a rousing day and the best attended yet.
To follow are some highlights and quotes of the day.
A phone conversation between Dr Dave and Fernando after the breaking of the “Pie Gate” scandal.
Wayne -“Alright Dave, its Wayne, we’ve got pie problems”
Dave -“Whats happened?”
Wayne -“Vitts is trying to enter a professionally made Pie”
Dave -“How, do you know?”
Wayne -“Trust me; you’ll know when you see it”
Dave -“Well, if it looks like a pie and tastes like a pie, then its obviously not Vitts f***ing pie is it”
Wayne-“Fair Point”
Kate McNasyt’s explanation of how she’s not competitive.
“I’m not competitive, I just like winning and hate losing”
Danni, tired and emotional after walking back from her quest to find a tree she’s seen in the distance at 6am, after hearing a cockerel from a nearby farm.
“I’ll cock-a-f***ing-doodle do you, if you don’t shut the f**k up”.
A conversation between Simon and Fernando, shortly before Fernando suffered minor burns during the opening ceremony
Simon - “Wayne, are you sure it’s a good idea to fire an old firework from the upstairs window, after a couple of beers?”
Wayne -“Of, course I am what could possibly go wrong”
Dr Dave’s earnest statement after Rebecca Number 3 said his beer looked like Cat piss.
“I tell you what…………………………….she’s right you know”
Fernando’s statement to Tetley after, Tetleys Dad voted Dr Daves Nettle beer better tasting than Fernando’s Lager.
“I know your Dad’s a decent fella, but he knows f**k all about beer”
Kate McNasty and Fernando discussing one of the pies
McNasty - “Do you know what I think there’s a little bit too much Rosemary in this one”
Wayne - “What the f**ks Rosemary”
Stu’s explanation of his pie filling which he had allegedly created himself
“You know…………………….. Beef and Stuff”
Dave's confession to an unsurprised Fernando the day before the festival
“I might have got a problem Wayne, I got a bit peckish while I was making my pie……………………………………and I’ve already eaten most of the filling”
Other highlights of the day:
- Fernando bollocking Suzie and Danni for “borrowing” a neighbour’s gnome for a photo opportunity.
- The impromptu games of rounders captained by Fernando and Trish, and the ensuing abuse directed at Fernando, for losing to a southern girl………………….twice.
- The almost disastrous opening ceremony, where Fernando nearly lost his hand in the firework incident.
- The Karaoke (bet the neighbours loved that one)
- Suzie’s revelations about dating Jeremy Paxman, and being touched up by Bruce Forsyth.
- Having to resort to calling Rebeccas by number after 4 of them turned up.
- Uncle Stu “The Cheat” Vitty, finishing last in the pie competition.
- The look of disgust on Kate McNasty’s face when her 3rd place was announced after weeks of claiming she would win by a mile.
- Suzie taking on the Simon Cowell role of the judging panel and being unbelievably critical.
- Danni spying a tree on the horizon at 4am and insisting on going on a Bilbo Baggins type quest over rail lines, forests and fields to find it with Fernando as her trusty companion, armed only with a glass of white wine (Fernando) and a mug of Red wine.
- The shooting stars.
- The sunrise.
- Tetley's breakfast the morning after.
- Suzie having her Chinese takeaway “borrowed” by a mystery thief, rumours that it was a pissed off gnome which had previously been kidnapped are not confirmed.
I would to thank everyone who attended and everyone who competed, the standard of pie and beer was significantly higher than the previous year so I look forwards to next years event.
Your symbolic Figurehead - Wayne.
Possible upcoming LH1 Festivals.
- The end of Summer - Chilli Con Carnival.
- Halloween - A Hallowayne Party
- Bonfire night – A bring your own homemade firework party.
posted by Lower Hundall @ 13:42
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